Tuesday, November 12, 2013

My List of Life's Blasphemies

Committing a sin against a god is not only a victim-less crime, it is usually hysterical as well. There are crimes against living a life to the fullest that in my experience have proven to be far more detrimental. The rules of internet discourse mandate that I share them with you. Of some I am more guilty than others, as are we all with everything -- but take heart! For these blasphemies, you won't be sentenced to eternity of being buried up to your neck in scorpions.

(I retain the right to change them as I change my mind, as new evidence presents, or after I have been drinking. Ergo, it will likely morph several times. You have been warned, gentle readers!)

1. Cutting words in half for no apparent reason. Obvi.
2. Reading the last line of a book before anything else.
3. Living bereft of a sense of humor or an appreciation of irony.
4. Underestimating the therapeutic value of a good orgasm.
5. Putting too much ice in your Scotch.
6. Cheating. Seriously, fuck that noise.
7. Idolizing conventionality, even indirectly.
8. Wearing a tie.
9. Refusing a date.
10. Giving anyone the impression that Chuck Palahniuk is the only author you read.
11. Being apologetic over your social media for bragging over your social media.
12. Giving other actors direction just before their audition.
13. Promoting a specific gender issue over general humanism.
14. Refusing to change your mind.
15. Allowing anyone to mandate or even influence how you feel about yourself. Be autonomous.
16. Ever, ever using the expression: "Politics has nothing to do with me."
17. Speaking along with the lines of a movie when others in the room have not yet seen it.
18. Using text-speak in real life -- or in texting.
19. Avoiding conflict at the injury of your pride.
20. Speaking in accents when drunk. Extra douche points if you are terrible at the accent.
21. Denying an apology when you're wrong.
22. Supplying an apology when you are right.
23. Not calling your grandparents.
24. Confusing the pretentiousness of others for your own jealousy of their demeanor or success.
25. The Scotch thing, again. It'll ruin your drink, people.

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