Thursday, March 14, 2013

Out of the Flying Nun, Into the Friar

Greetings, friends. 

I have been inundated with questions about my opinion concerning the resignation of the previous papal monstrosity, Josef Ratzinger, and the implementation of a new unsettling pontificate, Jorge Bergoglio. I must say, those who know me well enough might have been able to divine my answer before the smoke had even risen from the hushed whispers of conclave. 

Papal authority only stretches so far -- a change in dogma or a new interpretation of scripture is only as powerful as two things: those willing to follow it and the life of the apostolic prince to enforce it. The rather naive optimism of those holding their breath for a progressive pope (especially those who are not Catholic) and the somber disappointment at seeing another homo-hating, wrinkled virgin don the Fisherman's Ring is a spectacle I have now had to witness twice in my young life: it must be addressed. 

Ladies and gentlemen, if you are looking toward a harmonious world where the vicissitudes of religion are quelled, where morality becomes universal and in which our unifying ties as brothers and supporters of human solidarity are validated -- you will not find this event come to pass with the election of a new papal administration. The most recent excuse for holy fraudulence is an excellent example: after years of covering up extensive details of priestly pedophilia in Catholic schools and parishes across the globe, he then uses his tri-regnum-crowned authority to welcome back into the Church's grace the Society of Pius X which was vastly anti-Semitic -- this after 60 years of backwards and ungainly attempts from the Catholic Church to apologize to the Jewish community for the Vatican's treacherous role in the Holocaust and forgiveness of the Jews for the truly laughable crime of 'deicide'. (Ratzinger himself made the same pseudo-benevolence in his book "Jesus of Nazareth - Part II".) John Paul II removed the office of advocatis diabolo in order to put his verve for the beatification and canonization of holy peoples on the fast-track. Julius II grew a beard, directly flouting canon law, when he rode into battle against the French. This is all to show how very subjective the effects of the vicar of Christ can be: when one pope dies (or in this very rare instance, steps down), whatever pieces of lordly legislation he introduced can be wiped away with the ascension of the next charlatan in a funny hat, or greeted by a appropriately subjective congregation with scorn and dislike. (Alexander VI, anyone?) 

Beyond any of this, why are we so elated that he is particularly Argentinian? That in itself seems a racism of a kind, if not at least a nationalism. And, gentle reader, does one really need your humble servant to remind you that the close bonds of fascism in the far west -- namely Argentina -- are what allowed Eva Peron to simultaneously harbor Nazi fugitives in the Casa Rosada on the run from world justice, bankrupt the economy of her own nation and present herself to an adoring and tyrannical General Franco? These are the allies which the Vatican put to good use previous to the end of World War II. All Argentina was missing to be of sincere prominence to the papacies of Pius XI and XII was an army, a wealth of gold, an an Argentinian version of the Reichskonkordat or the Lateran Treaty of 1929. The only people who should be proud of an Argentinian pope is Argentinians -- the rest of the world should be less-than-surprised. 

But there is one constant that should be acknowledged: there will never be a pope in the history of the Church that will deny the veracity of the Bible or the revelations of the Patriarchs and the Prophets (at least further than private rumination or, in the name of symbolism and allegory, claim them to be spiritual puzzles given to us by the almighty through which to decipher his will). This means that the subjugation of women, the horrid concept of the Crucifixion and everything it implies, the elucidation of god's hatred against homosexuals and the rest of the torpid, useless tome will always be center-points of conservative Catholicism (better known by its extreme moniker "fascism"). A single pope will never change this -- and if he tried (because we know that a "she" will never get the chance to try) the lack of an impeachment process wouldn't be an obstacle to his downfall at all: raving lunatics shouting "anti-Christ" would lead assassination attempts en masse. Even if Pope Popular the Gay Redeemer managed to survive until the end of his papacy and institute the progressive and wonderful changes everyone prays for with each new barring of the Sistine Chapel, those changes would just as easily be removed by the withered hand of the next senile, altar-kissing gorgon. 

So, my friends, please do yourselves a favor -- stop hoping for it. Stop being disappointed. Bergoglio's election should have been no surprise to you, and the discovery of his narrow mind and dutiful following of conservative Catholicism should be no more painful. The Vatican will never see a progressive pope sooner than McDonald's will announce its change to a vegan menu. Instead, take pride in knowing that the foolish whim of the leader of the world's smallest country (given sovereignty only because of that country's illicit dealings with Mussolini, I might add) have no bearing on your morality, your politics, your life, or your pride. Stop hoping for a better leader and instead start hoping for a better institution. No pope will make a Catholicism worth tolerating. 

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